Module V · 8 min · Ages 16–20
Silence and Listening
Before you begin
- What you'll learn
- You'll learn that at this age silence between you is not awkward — it's the mark of an adult friendship. Long pauses are a gift you give each other.
- Why it matters at this age
- Rushing to fill silence with a young adult is the tell of someone who is nervous around him. Comfortable silence tells him: I'm not anxious about you, and I'm not going anywhere.
- What you'll do next
- You'll take one walk with him where you're comfortable with two full minutes of not talking. Just walking. Then see what he says at the end of it.
Most grandfathers ask a question, wait about one second, and then either rephrase it or answer it themselves. The real answer lives in the second and third second — the one you almost never wait for.
Count to three
After you ask a question, silently count: one — two — three. If nothing comes by three, count to three again. That is not awkward. That is the child assembling something honest.
The four listening moves
Nod once. Say 'hm' or 'go on.' Repeat the last three words he said as a soft question. Say nothing at all. Those four moves, used sparingly, will unlock more than any clever question you could invent.
Wisdom from the Proverbs
Proverbs 17:28
"Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues."
Solomon is almost teasing us. The cheapest wisdom in the world is the wisdom of not speaking — and it is still worth having. With a grandchild, the silence you leave often gets credited to your understanding.
Proverbs 10:19
"Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues."
The urge to fill a silence with one more question, one more nudge, one more piece of advice is almost always the wrong urge. Solomon calls the restraint of it 'prudence' — the small, deliberate holding-back of a good man.
How Jesus did it
1 Kings 19:11–13
"After the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face … Then a voice said to him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'"
The Lord Himself waited through wind, earthquake, and fire before He spoke — and then only in a whisper. The best questions land in the quiet you have refused to fill.
James 1:19
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."
Three commands in one sentence — and 'quick to listen' comes first. Almost every failure in a conversation with a grandchild comes from getting this order backwards.
A small exercise — for ages 16–20
Practice · Question 1
Your 18-year-old grandson is telling you about something difficult. He stops mid-sentence and looks out of the window. What is the strongest thing to do?
Practice · Question 2
Your 20-year-old granddaughter finishes telling you something and there is a long, comfortable pause. What is the strongest next move?